News Of The World

I consider myself relatively intelligent.  I’m an excellent speller (even though my spellcheck just informed me that “speller” is not a word…I believe they are wrong). I can decipher simple puzzles and rudimentary instructions.  I’ve even put together a few basic pieces of furniture from Ikea.  Okay…that’s a lie but I’ve watched people do it and I’m not confused by what I see so I think that counts.  What I’m lacking is information.  I mean real, important, relevant information.

Television news – with the exception of the occasional stroll through CNN – is more than I can stomach since everything consists of screaming heads fighting for air space with nothing meaningful ever being said.  I don’t want my news delivered at a decibel level that damages my ears.  I inflicted enough havoc on my eardrums in the 70s to put me in the crosshairs of every Miracle Ear advertiser on the planet.  I don’t need further damage from screeching newscasters while I’m choking down my Activia at 7 a.m.

I am ashamed to say that I rarely pick up The Economist any more and I used to read it pretty religiously.  It’s full of unbiased views of what’s happening in the world.  They use British spellings like “colour” and “favourite” which makes it seem super sophisticated and by default made me feel that way as well when I read it.  It’s been too long and I’m starting to feel stupid and woefully uninformed.  Note to self:  check and see if there is an on-line version that I can actually figure out without the aid of an IT technician.

Most of the news I get these days comes from headlines that pop up on my browser or whatever that page is called that appears when I click on that little Safari icon.  (Shut up! that’s the way I refer to things, okay?)  I know I can alter this and customize it where news comes to me from specific places.  I’m still trying to work that out and I’m confident I’ll make that happen once I lure some poor, unsuspecting 20-something into my office for a couple of hours.  I have to handle that with care, however.  “Luring” could be misconstrued as Middle Aged Woman Desperate For Young, Virile Man To Restore Her Self Esteem and I am not there yet.  I can see the exit….but I’m driving towards it really, really slowly, ‘ ya know?

Anyway….as I struggle toward a higher cyber-IQ, here are a few of the more hard-hitting headlines that have popped up on my laptop screen.  I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m well on my way to becoming much, much smarter because of them:

  • Woman Arrested in Pennsylvania Carrying 54 Bags of Heroin in her Vagina  (And you thought those kegel exercises were all a bunch of hooey??)
  • Kelly Should Have Known Her Nipples Were Showing (Something about Kelly Ripa and a dress with unfortunately placed darts)
  • The Best Haircuts for Women Over 50 (Mine was not listed, damn it)
  • Mario Lopez’s March Madness Plans:  Make Nachos and Watch Basketball (Holy shit, Mario!  Don’t know you  that nachos will undermine those abs?)
  • 50 is the new 40! (So…there’s hope? Thanks, news gods!)

Now that I’m 40 again, maybe AARP will stop mail-stalking me.  Those people have killed a hellavu lot of trees on my behalf.