A Dubious Distinction

Remember wax lips?

They still have them.

One night when I was with a couple of girlfriends, we ran across one of those vintage candy stores in Laguna Beach.  The kind of place that has all that great candy from your childhood like Cow Tails and Bit-O-Honey.

Naturally, we migrated toward the lips.

Big, giant red ones.

I was never into the wax mustaches or funky, hillbilly teeth but those  lips….now that’s what I call fun.

I couldn’t wait to get them in my mouth.  Just the memory of sinking my front teeth into that soft, chewy Red #6 brought a tear to my eye.  Oh, to be young again.


Mmmm. Eee rrrr lvvv tees thnns.



I remove the ruby reds from between my teeth to clarify; little specks of red still clinging to my veneers.


I said:  I really love these things!


Wait! Put them back in.

She grabs her camera and I schmooze  for my close-up.


Holy shit!  You actually look good in those!

She eagerly shoves the digital image into the face of Friend #2.


Oh, my god!  She’s right!  You look like that figure skater, Oksana Baiul!  Your short blonde hair, your—

I snatch the camera and look for myself.


They’re kinda right.

I pass it back.


Fuck you both!  Why don’t you go suck on a Sugar Daddy and leave me alone.  Better yet, go take a giant puff off  a candy cigarette. 

I sulked the rest of the night.  I mean, why couldn’t I have looked like Marilyn Monroe or Angelina Jolie or some other hot mama with full, sexy lips?

Oksasa Baiul?


And no, I will never post that photo.

But here’s one of my dog.

Guess he shops at the same store.  His could use a little color, though.