Hard To Kill

I do not have a green thumb.

I wish I did because I love beautiful flowers and lush green stuff growing in fertile earth reaching for the sun with joy and enthusiasm inspiring the human soul to go forth and plant and nurture and create a symphony of organic life.

And then….there is me.

Alas, as soon as I appear with one of those cute little metal shovels dragging a steaming bag of compost into my back yard, all things green shudder and shrink away.

If plants could talk:


Good god!  Will this human ever give it up?  Hasn’t she killed enough of us already?  If she would just Google the term “root bound”….

For which I would reply through appropriate legal counsel:


Said human is determined to make restitution for her past gardening homicides.  Actually, to clarify they would be gardening manslaughter as they lacked intent….see above disclaimer about wishing for a green thumb.  This technically gets my client off the hook because wishing for a green thumb effectively eliminates the possibility of any  premeditated killing of plant life. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s my plan.


Thanks to an article in my local newspaper, I’m convinced this is the way to go.

There is hope for me.  

“Succulents are easy to grow and hard to kill.”

Oh, happy day!!  This is music to my ears!

I am overjoyed.  Born again!  Saved!

(Although, I would have felt a little better if they were IMPOSSIBLE to kill but hard to kill is good enough for now).

At last….something that can live with little care, does not wilt in the sweltering sun, can even survive occasional neglect and grows in a minimum amount of soil. 

Can this be?

I can’t say for sure but it’s in the paper so it has to be true, right?

Yes…today I choose to believe these printed words.

I shall extol the virtues of succulents!  I will spread the Good Word and witness to my fellow black-thumbers.  Go forth and kill no more! The newspaper has declared it so!

Oh, man. This is better than finding God (who is generally only found in prisons or by recently released felons bullshitting the average Joe during a 60 Minutes p.r. roadshow about how they’ve changed and need to be forgiven so they can restablish their sports career and…..don’t get me started) .

In the name of all things green and sacred, I declare my faith in succulents.