Shopping At 36,000

What I love most about being confined in a long metal tube with hundreds of people I don’t know with questionable hygiene habits…is the shopping.

Yeah, there’s the cheap thrill of not knowing  whether the pilots have their hands firmly in the 10 and 2 position on that steering thingy. Or whether they’ve tapped into internet porn on the Wi-Fi and their hands are elsewhere… but it doesn’t compare to the euphoria of thumbing through the SkyMall Magazine.

It makes all your worries about the unlikely event of a water landing evaporate!

Of course, one should don one’s noise canceling headphones to drown out the devil’s spawn in the seat behind who’s pawing the back of your seat with his little cloven hooves… but once you’ve snapped those puppies over your lugholes and made the sign of the cross eight times? You’re golden and it’s time to enjoy the shopping experience.

Although it’s fascinating how many devices there are for growing hair [I counted 5 in one issue alone], a few things I felt compelled to order were more in the vein of what I’ll call “lifestyle enhancers”.  Like the Genuine Bamboo Tiki Bar.  It makes me want to invite Ginger and The Professor over for cocktails around the lagoon.  Or The Relaxing Magic Showerhead that turns boring ‘ole hand-help shower heads into powerful, vibrating…uh…okay, let’s skip over that one for now and move onto The Gentle Motion Back Stretcher.  It’s an apparatus.  You strap yourself in and bend over or kneel on….oh…..never mind on that one, too.

Let’s talk about what I really wanted but didn’t get: the MyLife Bead Bracelet.

It allows you to tell your life story in personalized beads.

There were lovely beads you could get with heartfelt affirmations engraved in them like “strength” and “peace”.  You can get beads with dates and names of significant events in life like marriage(s).  As I was assembling all the dates of MyLife Bead Bracelet, I realized that it was turning into a MyLife Bead Necklace what with all the dates and names and “voted most likely to join the circus” and “teenage pregnancy” took up more than one bead. It was getting too damned cumbersome so I gave up.

Oh, well.  There’s still The Mustache Mirror.

“Ever wonder how you’d look styled with a ‘stache? Three bushy, manly lip ticklers are printed boldly at the perfect level so you can try one on for size.”

Gettin’ it.