What I’m Pinterested In

I don’t know what to call Pinterest.  Social media, maybe? An on-line scrapbook? Still not sure but it’s clever and catchy and I’m all for clever and catchy.  Really, I am.  Pinterest isn’t my cup o’ Joe but more power to those who love it.  Personally? I don’t think anyone would be Pinterested in knowing that chintz makes me want to vomit and my inspirational phrase of choice is Stop Texting At The Fucking Table rather than Start Every Day Like It’s Your Birthday.

But there’s this thing I have.  I’ll call it an affliction.  It’s beyond my control. Like what John Malkovich said to Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons when he double-crossed her and smashed her diabolical heart to smithereens.

In a nutshell, I am inexplicably driven to mock things that I don’t understand.  I vacillate between thinking it’s jealousy and thinking it’s simply chronic cynicism.

Let’s start with the jealousy angle. Yes, I admit I feel left in the dust when it comes to social media sites and everything related.  This proliferation of words and links and sites and apps and whatevers renders me helpless and paralyzed. There are so many things to learn, I don’t know where to begin. My peers are all so good at it.   I wish I could be more savvy and smart and clever but the learning curve just feels too….insurmountable to me.

And so I mock.

How can I not? When I go and search around on Pinterest, this is what I see…..

Cupcakes that look like Pandas.  [I can’t even make eggs that look like eggs for fuck sake!]

How to make hors d’oeuvres that look like Band-Aids  [Maybe I should post a picture of my party pleasin’ cocktail wieners that look like tampons. I’m tellin’ you, they’re a hit at every social gathering!]

A little kid dressed like Edward Scissorhands [Yes, it’s super cute but…man, it’s just a little creepy]

How to pickle asparagus [see egg comment above]

Picture of a sleeping baby wearing a crocheted hat with bunny ears inside a giant glass container filled with M & Ms [Jesus H. Christ on a raft! Who puts their baby in a jar of candy and takes its picture?]

Pictures of super cute animals [I admit, a baby hippo does make me smile but the fact that a human is holding it gives me pause]

The Paleo Diet  [I had no idea that cavemen ate such beautifully prepared dishes. And I thought wooly mammoth couldn’t look appetizing. Silly me!]

And there are lots and lots of cute, inspiring sayings some of which I can relate to…like the ones that have alcohol as a central theme because alcohol makes everything better. The ones I find amusing, however, are these:

It Is What It Is  [This, of course, is self-explanatory, right? Like We Are What We Are and A Prius Is A Prius]

Keep Calm And Zumba [This feels contradictory to me…like Shut Up And Yell]

Okay….I probably sound like an asshole which is to say I Am What I Am but I do try to find humorous ways to fill my giant void of inadequacy…it’s just at the expense of others, I’m afraid.

The conclusion?

I think I’m just cynically jealous.






The Forever Conversation

My days in hiding have officially come to an end.

I wasn’t actually hiding, per se. I was just kind of…anonymous.

I had e-mail. That was about it.

Now I have Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, multiple e-mail addresses, Godaddy domain names, lots of cool Apps that I don’t know how to use [yet], Google thingies, bells and whistles,  pins I can put in things that interest me that others can see and ponder why my deep and abiding love of Jimmy Iovine has consumed my life. [ooooops, the Jimmy shrine is still a secret]

I can follow, be followed, watched, poked, prodded, reminded, pinged, tagged, linked, attached, hooked up and dialed in…. sometimes, I don’t even know I’ve done it until I get a notice or a message or a ping from someone who I may or may not know saying they like something or another I did or posted. Really? What did I do, again?

Case in point:  Cake and Pinterest. Someone trying to teach me how to use it pulled a picture from HER Pinterest page as a quick example of the wonderful things I could do on the site.  Like post pictures of cake.  I started getting Facebook messages about how yummy that cake looked and how cool it was that I posted it for all to see and salivate over.

Just to be sure….that was somebody else’s cake. Not my cake.

Don’t get me wrong. I like cake. In fact, I love cake. But I see no real value in posting a picture of it on a web-site so people know I like it. I’d rather just speak it to another person face to face which feels way more….intimate. Or better yet, eat the cake in front of them so they really, really, really understand just how much I like it.   BTW…I also dig sex. A lot. I’m wondering if I should post pictures of sex on my Pinterest page alongside the cake? Probably not as to avoid any confusion. Probably not a good idea to do it in front of someone to prove my point, I suppose, but you get my drift.

For the record, I believe eating cake and having sex are two distinctly different activities and any respective imagery should remain appropriately segregated on Pinterest.

This everything-is-public concept hit me hard  in the shower yesterday [as epiphanies often do] between  shampooing and shaving my legs.  This forever conversation with people via the internet will never end.  On the contrary, it’s just beginning.  It’s 24/7…the open all night diner, the bar with a vodka fountain that never goes dry, the Insta-everything that’s making me into I don’t know what. A true entrepreneur? A target? A victim?  A wannabe? A pathetic wretch who believes people give a shit if I like cake or shave my legs?

I’m not sure yet.

P.S.  Generally I wax my legs but sometimes a girl just has to be smooth right now! Thought you might like to know that.