Ten Reasons I’ll Never Look Like Gwyneth Paltrow

There are more than ten reasons and all of them are obvious so I won’t bother.  What I will bother saying is that it’s starting to get disheartening these days when everything I read seems to want to convince me to try.

The other day I was getting my hair done. It’s torture but I have to do it in order to stay a natural blonde. The only redeeming quality to having products laced with chemicals that will certainly one day shrink my brain to the size of a chick pea slathered on my melon is that I get to sit quietly and read. In an attempt to boost my fledgling ego, my gal usually gets me the latest Who-Has-The-Most-Cellulite issue of US Magazine.  I am ashamed to say it makes me feel better to know that I share the bane of a dimpled ass with the likes of Reese Witherspoon.

Last time, however, it wasn’t US iMagazine that awaited me but rather something called New Beauty: The World’s Most Unique Beauty Magazine.  It was a “special edition”. Two hundred glorious pages of how to be all I can be.

It was enlightening, this New Beauty.

I will now share 10 Pearls of Wisdom gleaned from these hallowed pages for those still cowering in the dark recesses of Old Beauty.

1.  I can “look like I feel inside” [I didn’t realize that looking more dazed and confused than I already do is attractive but, hey, whatever works]

2.  How to identify when a wrinkle becomes a crease [When scotch-taping my neck skin to the back of my head stops working?]

3.  You can Unlock the Code to Visibly Younger Skin [Aha!  It really IS an ancient Chinese secret and it has nothing to do with clean shirts!]

4.  There exists a Powerful Combination That Delivers Flawless Skin [just be sure you have 220V power in your basement for the belt sander. It’s Step #1]

5.  How To Find Your Perfect Scent [Newsflash: it’s not Mitchum-for-Women-who-sweat-like-men deodorant which was my first guess]

6.  SculptMyDream.com is NOT a web-site where you can build your very own cyber-lover.

7.  There are selfless male medical professionals who have “spent their entire careers focused on facial aesthetics.” [I love you, man!]

8.  How to Fight Fat The Right Way [And I thought all I had to do was give up cheeseburgers and Doritos. Silly me!]

9.  There is an innovative new treatment that uses the “prey-paralyzing protein found in Temple Viper Venum” to fight those nasty crow’s feet [Note to self: get professional help dealing with my Ophidiophobia before use.]

10. I have many anesthesia options. [Phew! Biting down on that hickory branch was wearing out my teeth enamel]

But the learnin’ don’t stop there, beauty seekers!  There’s whole list of cool new terms and product names to learn and remember:

Thermo-active firming serum, idebenone, accelerated retinol SA, Effectiose, Retinaldehyde, eye-illuminating duo luminous, lutein-rich Environ Iozyme C-Quence, Vespera Bionic Serum, Optilight Essentials, peptides, pore-minimizers, pre-flight face defense, post-flight hydraters, and a bunch of other p-words with no vowels.

If you’re not into the chemical shit, here’s a list of really natural stuff [from all around the world if you’re into increasing your global consciousness] that cool products are made from:

Hibuscus, centella asiatic, knotweed, arctic cloudberry, gardenia, Himalayan raspberry root, Tibetan goji berry, Icealandic moss, mineral-rich Dead Sea algae, Mississippi River Mud pack, Three-Mile-Island-guess-you-didn’t-know-that-toxic-waste-was-good-for-you foaming face wash, and a whole host of other exciting things…and that was just in the first 50 pages!

I take back what I said.  Jules as Gwyneth may not a pipe dream after all.

Thanks New Beauty!