“Say Hello To My Little Death-Ray”

It’s a fact. Wrinkles suck.

And I am vain. I am not ashamed to admit it.

But there is hope for the wrinkly:  lasers.  They come in may forms, these lasers.  Fraxels, Yags, CO2s, Titans, IPLs, Palomars, Pearls, Active Xs.   I don’t really care what they’re called, I just want them to work. So yesterday I chose one. It was called the Something-Something-Ultra.

Oh yeah! Ultra! Bring it on!

It went like this:

A lovely technician in a white coat slathered my face with some kind of special ultra-super-mega cream.

ME

What’s with the primer?

LOVELY TECHNICIAN

It intensifies the laser.

ME

Does it make the Ultra extra Ultra? Or does it make the Ultra Mega?

LOVELY TECHNICIAN

Please stop talking.

ME

Okay, but—

She slapped some duct tape over my mouth, donned a hazmat suit and pulled out what looked like a ray gun and flipped the switch to On.   It sounded like the positron collider from Ghostbusters.  Her eyes  began to change, serpent-like, their eerie blue glow seared a hole in my psyche.

Hmmmm….I should have read the FAQs. I tried to mumble out a question but I just ended up sounding like Kenny from South Park and gave up.

I closed my eyes and thought of a calming mantra: A 25% reduction in fine lines. A 25% reduction in fine lines. A 25% redu—-

When I regained consciousness, I was sitting at the desk of an overly cheery receptionist who was grinning from ear to ear. She had little ceramic fairies all over her desk. She sees me eyeing them with disdain and giggles.

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

Aren’t they precious? I call them the Age Fairies. They’re our little laser clinic mascots.  Get it? Laser clinic Age Fairies?

ME

I want to smash the holy fuck out of them.

My foul mood did nothing to damper her irritating sweetness. She leaned forward, peered over her desk and whispered in a baby voice.

OVERLY CHERRY RECEPTIONIST

So?  How are we feeling?

I gingerly touched my face to check for open wounds.

ME

I don’t know about this “we” shit but I feel like a parboiled tomato.

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

How about an ice-pack?

ME

How about an air-lift to a burn unit?

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

You’re so funny!  Melanie said you did just fine.

ME

Melanie, huh?  That’s its name?  I hope Species in there doesn’t escape and mate with a human male or we’re all in deep shit. Do you take American Express?

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

Of course!