I’ve never been one to want attention.
I avoid it, actually.
This, of course, begs the question of why I have a blog but more on that later.
As a kid, I wouldn’t allow people to take my picture. I’m not sure if it was just to irritate my parents or if I really felt insecure. I would also never play the piano for people. I was actually pretty good at it but for some reason it would just infuriate me that my parents wanted me to show it off. They were proud. I shunned this with bitchy little girl attitude that I still sorta have but don’t want to admit so I won’t. When they visit, they still want me to play. I still won’t. I have no excuse for this.
I’ve come to believe this is some sort of deep emotional rebellion.
Yeah. That’s it; rebellion.
Because I love music in all forms so why wouldn’t I want to share it if I could actually make it? Perhaps it was because the only thing kids were taught to play in small town Illinois was classical music. I resented that. What I wanted was to play that kick ass piano solo from Layla by Derrick and the Dominos but instead, I was stuck with Beethoven Concertos in some sort of minor or major or Debussy’s weird impressionism (although Clair de Lune haunts me in a weirdly comforting way).
And while I’m on the subject of music, I also played the flute. My idol was Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. What a cool, wild-haired-spitting-into-his-woodwind-hunk-a-rock-‘n-rock he was. But I’m here to tell ‘ya, they don’t make sheet music for that either so this merely added to my frustration. Not that I would have tried to emulate him anyway. I would have looked like an idiot.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I’m deathly afraid of fucking up in a public sort of way. Like playing the wrong note or losing sight of my place on the page; of getting lost.
Damn! Why wasn’t I born with any of that try-out-for-American-Idol-no-matter-how-bad-I-suck kind of chutzpah? *big sigh*
So….back to the subject of the blog and why it doesn’t bother me that it draws attention, albeit in a rather controlled way. I’m alone when I do it. There is no one watching me, no one listening, per se. It feels like a solitary pursuit and that’s where I’m most comfortable. It’s peaceful and non-threatening. I won’t release anything until I’m confident I haven’t made a mistake unlike music where a sour note is reflected on the faces of the audience…..like…immediately. I am safe here and my sour notes are usually edited out before they go anywhere. At least that’s what I tell myself, anyway.
One last thing: For all of you out there with classical music on your “please hold while your party is reached” cell phone message; can you please just get some Coldplay for fuck sake??