I have this early morning routine from which I rarely stray. It goes like this:
Open eyes. Make coffee. Cuddle with my laptop until about 9ish if the sun is out…could be until 4pm if it’s raining.
I check e-mails, bitch and moan about Facebook shit I don’t understand, try and think of stuff to write about, pet my dogs yadda, yadda. So I can stay better informed, I’ve managed to get a couple of news feeds on my Google homepage [don’t ask me how because it was by accident] one of which is the Huffington Post. They have some interesting categories to choose from.
Like Weird News, my personal fave.
I much prefer reading weird shit than reading about horrible tragedies that have befallen our great and wonderful universe or which politician can hurl the best and most irrelevant personal attack or leak national secrets in the pursuit of a re-election. All that nonsense makes me crazy and sad and with age comes a much more fragile psyche and I’m running out of duct tape.
So I bury my head in the sand of Huff Post Weird News.
Today’s Headline: WATCH: Valium and 206 Other Prescription Pills Spill From Woman’s Crotch.
Naturally, I had to watch and I’m here to tell you that this headline was not some bait-and-switch bullshit. A whole bunch of pills really did spill from this woman’s vagina while she was sitting in the clink and the condom she had hidden there busted [note to mules: make sure you get the extra-large mega size because 206 jagged little pills equals one gnarly-ass penis equivalent!!]
And remember, if you’re ever arrested and you find yourself incarcerated? Those cells have cameras and even though you go off into the corner to spill the beans, so to speak, digging around in your nickers in full view of said camera before you do that is pretty much a dead giveaway.
And with that….my morning is damn near perfect!
Now I’m off to check out The World’s Smelliest Armpits And Other Bizarre Records which shall render me born again.