Shortcuts

Women with short hair are less attractive to men.

I read that in a magazine.

A women’s magazine.

I was getting my hair cut.

Short.

And very blonde.

For some reason, they didn’t have the latest issue of People.

Shit.  I so enjoy reading about misbehaving 20-somethings that I’ve never heard of.  It calms me and takes my mind off the toxins slowly seeping into my brain.

Oh well.  Perhaps I’ll read something educational.

Oh, joy!  I love learning new things, don’t you?

According to a “study” where men were shown picture of women with both short and along hair, men where something like 12 times as likely to choose a woman with long hair because of some caveman-survival-of-the-species-genetic thing. 

Makes sense.  I mean, I’ve never seen a woman with short hair in a porn film that I can recall and the guys always have a death grip on something that I can only guess is hair. But I was never looking that far north and nothing down south has any hair at all if you’re a porn star.  I feel strongly about this, Regis.  Porn stars definitely have long hair. Final answer. 

Damn.  These survey-takers must be really, really smart.

However….

There is the occasional super-model or celeb that busts out with a scandalous, pixie-short haircut that makes the cover of US.  For the record, I’m still trying to figure out who Victoria Beckham is.  Maybe she used to be a porn star and now wants to put as much distance between herself and that industry as possible so she can revive her…..uh, other career which is still a mystery.   Then again, I might be woefully behind the times.  She may already have hair extension by now in a desperate attempt to keep her marriage intact to that guy whose celebrity status also confuses me.  I forget his name.

Oh, that wacky, wacky world of celebrity.  What will those goofy SoCal kids do next?  As if a buzz cut were not enough don’t be surprised to read about something really outrageous and original like…say….getting pregnant!!  Now that’s what I call news since no other humans on the planet earth have EVER experienced childbirth. 

(Big Sigh)

Next time I get my hair done, I’m gonna call ahead and make damn sure they have the latest issue of People.

But don’t forget, girlies.  Unless you’re a quasi-celebrity or the 80 pound muse of someone like Helmut Lang, don’t ever cut your hair….

….or you’ll never, ever get laid!

P.S.  In the same magazine was an “advice” column that says if you’re clitoris is more than an inch away from your vagina you’ll probably have trouble achieving orgasm.