See? See?!

This wasn’t a morning different from any other.  I woke up early, I stumbled to the kitchen for coffee which I can do with my eyes closed.  Thank the gods of sight for that because I had no idea where my glasses were.

For the record, my eyesight has decided to go south for the winter for some crazy reason [age] and I’m now reliant on my glasses more than ever before. I have contacts but they make me feel like I’m wearing SaranWrap on my eyeballs.  Since “protecting  taste, texture and quality” only applies to left overs, I keep the SaranWrap-wearing to a minimum.

In an effort to torture myself just a little more and illuminate the downward spiral of my visual prowess, I recently bought the 13″ MacBook Air. It’s  tiny and weighs nothing and it’s very easy to pack around.

I wish I could find it.

Anyhoo….so I’ve had my first cup o’ Joe and I can see slightly better than before, but it’s only enough to avoid  running into large objects like couches and baby grand pianos. If I want to write, I need my glasses.

So I went on a search, using the walls for guidance and patting the flat surfaces of my house in hopes of feeling them.

I hit pay-dirt on my night stand…

…And a conspiracy theory was born.

If you think there’s only ONE magnetic field phenomenon present on planet earth and it’s off the coast of Florida? And it only targets aircraft and boats? You’d be wrong, according to me!

These magnetic fields are everywhere!  Even our own houses!  Like a diabolical play-at-home version of Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune without the nerds who collect beetles or Vanna and her oversized head. [okay, that was mean but kinda true, right?]. Only we’re not playing but rather being played!

Think about it.

If you ask me? One of these days, Spielberg is going to make a film about this cosmic force and there’s going to be a scene where scientists come upon two things:

1) An oasis of eye glasses in the Mohave desert stretching as far as the eye can see [unless, of course, the scientists are of a certain age and have to stumble over them rather than see them, but you get my drift]….

And..

2) A mountain of single, “disappeared” socks from every dryer in America.

…and all will become clear.

 

 

 

 

“The Debate On Spanking The Dead….”

These are my glasses. They’re a lovely tortoise shell. I’ve been told they make me look studious.  One guy at a coffee shop told me they made me look rich. I had no response to that except something like…”uh….thanks, I think. Can you leave room for cream?”

But these glasses, although lovely and expensive-looking, have a fatal flaw.

They’ve stopped doing their job.

Now, don’t get me wrong. They didn’t just  become like a French airline employee and suddenly go on strike.  Nothing like that.  It was a long, slow process.

I first noticed a problem when reading news headlines on my laptop.

George Clooney arrested outside a Sudanese Bakery

Wow. Did he get a lousy bagel or what?

Oh, wait…It was outside the Sudanese EMBASSY.  Damn.

And then last week there was this shocking headline:

The Debate on Spanking The Dead 

What kind of demented mind thinks of  spanking a dead person?  That’s just downright twisted. Then again, so are those Real Housewife shows so I guess it’s not that far-fetched.

Ruh roh…wrong again. It’s the debate on spanking IS dead.  Ooops.

Time to retire, my lovelies. Tortoise or otherwise, we have grown apart.

By the way, I just read that  Moby Is Sworn In As President of Egypt.

Maybe some groovy techno will calm some of that unrest.  Let’s hope!