Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink into my stubborn, impenetrable noggin. But today there was a light in the proverbial attic that is my brain. I woke up this morning with the answer to why shit often hurls itself into the fan blades of my life… I am a chronic breaker of e-mail chain letters.
I am hopeful that this admission and subsequent apology will at least give me partial immunity. I mean, this IS America after all. When you’ve done something wrong in America, all you have to do is apologize when you’re caught and have no choice and everything is right as rain. Just look at Dick Morris! I see him all the time on those news shows telling us this and that about why we should actually believe politicians are good and honest. The media has seen fit to trust him again even though in 1996 he was sucking on a hooker’s toes and singing Popeye the Sailor Man in his underpants. But the king of all the fuck-ups + getting caught + I’m sorry = good ‘ole American forgiveness formula is the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal. “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinski…” Yes you did Bill and we really didn’t give a shit!! People are still forking over lots and lots of dough to hear your mesmerizing voice fill university auditoriums. I would, though, recommend never again mouthing “I love you” to your long suffering wife from the frenzied audience of the Democratic National Convention. Just didn’t ring true, dude.
Yes, sorry they all are, gone they are not. And I’ll bet they broke lots of chain e-mail in their time!
There is hope for me.
So, I offer up an apology that will hopefully free me of the confines of bad luck that follows in the wake of yet another broken chain (as in this morning – you know who you are, chain sender!). I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I really mean that.
Now leave me the fuck alone!
Gotta go. My dog is missing again.