What I’m Pinterested In

I don’t know what to call Pinterest.  Social media, maybe? An on-line scrapbook? Still not sure but it’s clever and catchy and I’m all for clever and catchy.  Really, I am.  Pinterest isn’t my cup o’ Joe but more power to those who love it.  Personally? I don’t think anyone would be Pinterested in knowing that chintz makes me want to vomit and my inspirational phrase of choice is Stop Texting At The Fucking Table rather than Start Every Day Like It’s Your Birthday.

But there’s this thing I have.  I’ll call it an affliction.  It’s beyond my control. Like what John Malkovich said to Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons when he double-crossed her and smashed her diabolical heart to smithereens.

In a nutshell, I am inexplicably driven to mock things that I don’t understand.  I vacillate between thinking it’s jealousy and thinking it’s simply chronic cynicism.

Let’s start with the jealousy angle. Yes, I admit I feel left in the dust when it comes to social media sites and everything related.  This proliferation of words and links and sites and apps and whatevers renders me helpless and paralyzed. There are so many things to learn, I don’t know where to begin. My peers are all so good at it.   I wish I could be more savvy and smart and clever but the learning curve just feels too….insurmountable to me.

And so I mock.

How can I not? When I go and search around on Pinterest, this is what I see…..

Cupcakes that look like Pandas.  [I can’t even make eggs that look like eggs for fuck sake!]

How to make hors d’oeuvres that look like Band-Aids  [Maybe I should post a picture of my party pleasin’ cocktail wieners that look like tampons. I’m tellin’ you, they’re a hit at every social gathering!]

A little kid dressed like Edward Scissorhands [Yes, it’s super cute but…man, it’s just a little creepy]

How to pickle asparagus [see egg comment above]

Picture of a sleeping baby wearing a crocheted hat with bunny ears inside a giant glass container filled with M & Ms [Jesus H. Christ on a raft! Who puts their baby in a jar of candy and takes its picture?]

Pictures of super cute animals [I admit, a baby hippo does make me smile but the fact that a human is holding it gives me pause]

The Paleo Diet  [I had no idea that cavemen ate such beautifully prepared dishes. And I thought wooly mammoth couldn’t look appetizing. Silly me!]

And there are lots and lots of cute, inspiring sayings some of which I can relate to…like the ones that have alcohol as a central theme because alcohol makes everything better. The ones I find amusing, however, are these:

It Is What It Is  [This, of course, is self-explanatory, right? Like We Are What We Are and A Prius Is A Prius]

Keep Calm And Zumba [This feels contradictory to me…like Shut Up And Yell]

Okay….I probably sound like an asshole which is to say I Am What I Am but I do try to find humorous ways to fill my giant void of inadequacy…it’s just at the expense of others, I’m afraid.

The conclusion?

I think I’m just cynically jealous.

 

 

 

 

 

A Window To My Soul

No, it’s not a man.

It’s Amazon.

As in dot com.

As in they know me better than anyone has a right to which can either make me feel special OR  piss me off depending on my mood.

Today, I’m on the fence as I’m not yet sure what my mood is because I’ve only had 3 cups of coffee. 

Clearly, Amazon wants me to take a hard look at myself which I try to avoid on most days because it’s risky; like putting my face up to a 12X magnifying mirror and realizing that up close, my eye-brows have taken on an Andy Rooney-esque quality and I haven’t even  noticed.  How does this happen?  I’m better off in a state of blissful ignorance.

But no,  Amazon is determined to make me a more well-rounded  individual and who am I to argue?  Jeff Bezos is a genius and I (as stated in previous posts) clearly am not a genius.   And who knows?  I may even learn something a bout myself I didn’t already know which is always helpful. 

To wit:  Amazon’s recent recommendations selected “just for me”:

A Touch of Evil – 50th Anniversary Edition DVD – starring Charleton Heston and Vivien Lee

Okay…I haven’t figured this one out yet but I’m a work in progress so be  patient.

The Extended Phenotype:  The Long Reach of the Gene (by a really smart researcher)

I may or may not have blogged about my gene pool in previous posts.  I’m looking into that.

The Quotable Atheist:  Ammunition for Non-Believers, Political Junkies, Gadflies, and Those Generally Hell-bound

I have to admit that being called a gadfly was a little hurtful.

A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste:  (by some French guy)

I never thought of myself as judgmental.  This one bugged me because I always thought that the word “judgement” was spelled j-u-d-g-m-e-n-t (no “e”).  At least this is what spell check always told me.  Then I realized that this book was translated from French to English by a British guy and leave it to the British to fuck up a word with unnecessary vowels but, hey, I’m not judging or anything.

And here’s one I totally get:

Losing Itby Valerie Bertinelli

So, the way I see it, Amazon has summed me up this way:

I’m a little sinister because of something that went wonky in my gene pool which probably made me an atheist, really judgmental and dangerously close to madness over weight issues that I didn’t know I had.

Oh, I forgot.  There’s one more.

The End of Faith: Religion, Terror and  the Failure of Reason (by somebody who is obviously a very cheery optimist)

Actually, I am a cheery optimist.  I always try to look at the bright side albeit with a heavy dose of cynicism.  I find cynicism amusing which troubled me a bit….until….  I found the following on a web-site called everything2  dot com:

“A cynic can be optimistically defined as a person who is dedicated to perceiving the truth, no matter how awful or depressing it is. An optimist can be cynically defined as a person who looks for the kind of truth that makes him or her psychologically most healthy”.

“With a cynically optimistic definition of truth, we arrive at the cynical optimist — a person who finds out all the possible ways of looking at the truth, no matter how awful, and then chooses the one which is both plausible and psychologically healthy”.

I feel so much better now.