“Say Hello To My Little Death-Ray”

It’s a fact. Wrinkles suck.

And I am vain. I am not ashamed to admit it.

But there is hope for the wrinkly:  lasers.  They come in may forms, these lasers.  Fraxels, Yags, CO2s, Titans, IPLs, Palomars, Pearls, Active Xs.   I don’t really care what they’re called, I just want them to work. So yesterday I chose one. It was called the Something-Something-Ultra.

Oh yeah! Ultra! Bring it on!

It went like this:

A lovely technician in a white coat slathered my face with some kind of special ultra-super-mega cream.

ME

What’s with the primer?

LOVELY TECHNICIAN

It intensifies the laser.

ME

Does it make the Ultra extra Ultra? Or does it make the Ultra Mega?

LOVELY TECHNICIAN

Please stop talking.

ME

Okay, but—

She slapped some duct tape over my mouth, donned a hazmat suit and pulled out what looked like a ray gun and flipped the switch to On.   It sounded like the positron collider from Ghostbusters.  Her eyes  began to change, serpent-like, their eerie blue glow seared a hole in my psyche.

Hmmmm….I should have read the FAQs. I tried to mumble out a question but I just ended up sounding like Kenny from South Park and gave up.

I closed my eyes and thought of a calming mantra: A 25% reduction in fine lines. A 25% reduction in fine lines. A 25% redu—-

When I regained consciousness, I was sitting at the desk of an overly cheery receptionist who was grinning from ear to ear. She had little ceramic fairies all over her desk. She sees me eyeing them with disdain and giggles.

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

Aren’t they precious? I call them the Age Fairies. They’re our little laser clinic mascots.  Get it? Laser clinic Age Fairies?

ME

I want to smash the holy fuck out of them.

My foul mood did nothing to damper her irritating sweetness. She leaned forward, peered over her desk and whispered in a baby voice.

OVERLY CHERRY RECEPTIONIST

So?  How are we feeling?

I gingerly touched my face to check for open wounds.

ME

I don’t know about this “we” shit but I feel like a parboiled tomato.

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

How about an ice-pack?

ME

How about an air-lift to a burn unit?

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

You’re so funny!  Melanie said you did just fine.

ME

Melanie, huh?  That’s its name?  I hope Species in there doesn’t escape and mate with a human male or we’re all in deep shit. Do you take American Express?

OVERLY CHEERY RECEPTIONIST

Of course!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Reasons I’ll Never Look Like Gwyneth Paltrow

There are more than ten reasons and all of them are obvious so I won’t bother.  What I will bother saying is that it’s starting to get disheartening these days when everything I read seems to want to convince me to try.

The other day I was getting my hair done. It’s torture but I have to do it in order to stay a natural blonde. The only redeeming quality to having products laced with chemicals that will certainly one day shrink my brain to the size of a chick pea slathered on my melon is that I get to sit quietly and read. In an attempt to boost my fledgling ego, my gal usually gets me the latest Who-Has-The-Most-Cellulite issue of US Magazine.  I am ashamed to say it makes me feel better to know that I share the bane of a dimpled ass with the likes of Reese Witherspoon.

Last time, however, it wasn’t US iMagazine that awaited me but rather something called New Beauty: The World’s Most Unique Beauty Magazine.  It was a “special edition”. Two hundred glorious pages of how to be all I can be.

It was enlightening, this New Beauty.

I will now share 10 Pearls of Wisdom gleaned from these hallowed pages for those still cowering in the dark recesses of Old Beauty.

1.  I can “look like I feel inside” [I didn’t realize that looking more dazed and confused than I already do is attractive but, hey, whatever works]

2.  How to identify when a wrinkle becomes a crease [When scotch-taping my neck skin to the back of my head stops working?]

3.  You can Unlock the Code to Visibly Younger Skin [Aha!  It really IS an ancient Chinese secret and it has nothing to do with clean shirts!]

4.  There exists a Powerful Combination That Delivers Flawless Skin [just be sure you have 220V power in your basement for the belt sander. It’s Step #1]

5.  How To Find Your Perfect Scent [Newsflash: it’s not Mitchum-for-Women-who-sweat-like-men deodorant which was my first guess]

6.  SculptMyDream.com is NOT a web-site where you can build your very own cyber-lover.

7.  There are selfless male medical professionals who have “spent their entire careers focused on facial aesthetics.” [I love you, man!]

8.  How to Fight Fat The Right Way [And I thought all I had to do was give up cheeseburgers and Doritos. Silly me!]

9.  There is an innovative new treatment that uses the “prey-paralyzing protein found in Temple Viper Venum” to fight those nasty crow’s feet [Note to self: get professional help dealing with my Ophidiophobia before use.]

10. I have many anesthesia options. [Phew! Biting down on that hickory branch was wearing out my teeth enamel]

But the learnin’ don’t stop there, beauty seekers!  There’s whole list of cool new terms and product names to learn and remember:

Thermo-active firming serum, idebenone, accelerated retinol SA, Effectiose, Retinaldehyde, eye-illuminating duo luminous, lutein-rich Environ Iozyme C-Quence, Vespera Bionic Serum, Optilight Essentials, peptides, pore-minimizers, pre-flight face defense, post-flight hydraters, and a bunch of other p-words with no vowels.

If you’re not into the chemical shit, here’s a list of really natural stuff [from all around the world if you’re into increasing your global consciousness] that cool products are made from:

Hibuscus, centella asiatic, knotweed, arctic cloudberry, gardenia, Himalayan raspberry root, Tibetan goji berry, Icealandic moss, mineral-rich Dead Sea algae, Mississippi River Mud pack, Three-Mile-Island-guess-you-didn’t-know-that-toxic-waste-was-good-for-you foaming face wash, and a whole host of other exciting things…and that was just in the first 50 pages!

I take back what I said.  Jules as Gwyneth may not a pipe dream after all.

Thanks New Beauty!