See? See?!

This wasn’t a morning different from any other.  I woke up early, I stumbled to the kitchen for coffee which I can do with my eyes closed.  Thank the gods of sight for that because I had no idea where my glasses were.

For the record, my eyesight has decided to go south for the winter for some crazy reason [age] and I’m now reliant on my glasses more than ever before. I have contacts but they make me feel like I’m wearing SaranWrap on my eyeballs.  Since “protecting  taste, texture and quality” only applies to left overs, I keep the SaranWrap-wearing to a minimum.

In an effort to torture myself just a little more and illuminate the downward spiral of my visual prowess, I recently bought the 13″ MacBook Air. It’s  tiny and weighs nothing and it’s very easy to pack around.

I wish I could find it.

Anyhoo….so I’ve had my first cup o’ Joe and I can see slightly better than before, but it’s only enough to avoid  running into large objects like couches and baby grand pianos. If I want to write, I need my glasses.

So I went on a search, using the walls for guidance and patting the flat surfaces of my house in hopes of feeling them.

I hit pay-dirt on my night stand…

…And a conspiracy theory was born.

If you think there’s only ONE magnetic field phenomenon present on planet earth and it’s off the coast of Florida? And it only targets aircraft and boats? You’d be wrong, according to me!

These magnetic fields are everywhere!  Even our own houses!  Like a diabolical play-at-home version of Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune without the nerds who collect beetles or Vanna and her oversized head. [okay, that was mean but kinda true, right?]. Only we’re not playing but rather being played!

Think about it.

If you ask me? One of these days, Spielberg is going to make a film about this cosmic force and there’s going to be a scene where scientists come upon two things:

1) An oasis of eye glasses in the Mohave desert stretching as far as the eye can see [unless, of course, the scientists are of a certain age and have to stumble over them rather than see them, but you get my drift]….


2) A mountain of single, “disappeared” socks from every dryer in America.

…and all will become clear.





News Of The World

I consider myself relatively intelligent.  I’m an excellent speller (even though my spellcheck just informed me that “speller” is not a word…I believe they are wrong). I can decipher simple puzzles and rudimentary instructions.  I’ve even put together a few basic pieces of furniture from Ikea.  Okay…that’s a lie but I’ve watched people do it and I’m not confused by what I see so I think that counts.  What I’m lacking is information.  I mean real, important, relevant information.

Television news – with the exception of the occasional stroll through CNN – is more than I can stomach since everything consists of screaming heads fighting for air space with nothing meaningful ever being said.  I don’t want my news delivered at a decibel level that damages my ears.  I inflicted enough havoc on my eardrums in the 70s to put me in the crosshairs of every Miracle Ear advertiser on the planet.  I don’t need further damage from screeching newscasters while I’m choking down my Activia at 7 a.m.

I am ashamed to say that I rarely pick up The Economist any more and I used to read it pretty religiously.  It’s full of unbiased views of what’s happening in the world.  They use British spellings like “colour” and “favourite” which makes it seem super sophisticated and by default made me feel that way as well when I read it.  It’s been too long and I’m starting to feel stupid and woefully uninformed.  Note to self:  check and see if there is an on-line version that I can actually figure out without the aid of an IT technician.

Most of the news I get these days comes from headlines that pop up on my browser or whatever that page is called that appears when I click on that little Safari icon.  (Shut up! that’s the way I refer to things, okay?)  I know I can alter this and customize it where news comes to me from specific places.  I’m still trying to work that out and I’m confident I’ll make that happen once I lure some poor, unsuspecting 20-something into my office for a couple of hours.  I have to handle that with care, however.  “Luring” could be misconstrued as Middle Aged Woman Desperate For Young, Virile Man To Restore Her Self Esteem and I am not there yet.  I can see the exit….but I’m driving towards it really, really slowly, ‘ ya know?

Anyway….as I struggle toward a higher cyber-IQ, here are a few of the more hard-hitting headlines that have popped up on my laptop screen.  I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m well on my way to becoming much, much smarter because of them:

  • Woman Arrested in Pennsylvania Carrying 54 Bags of Heroin in her Vagina  (And you thought those kegel exercises were all a bunch of hooey??)
  • Kelly Should Have Known Her Nipples Were Showing (Something about Kelly Ripa and a dress with unfortunately placed darts)
  • The Best Haircuts for Women Over 50 (Mine was not listed, damn it)
  • Mario Lopez’s March Madness Plans:  Make Nachos and Watch Basketball (Holy shit, Mario!  Don’t know you  that nachos will undermine those abs?)
  • 50 is the new 40! (So…there’s hope? Thanks, news gods!)

Now that I’m 40 again, maybe AARP will stop mail-stalking me.  Those people have killed a hellavu lot of trees on my behalf.

When Blogs Go Dark

Like this one has.

The reasons are too numerous to mention why this blogger has taken a powder so I’ll spare you the details even though I really, really want to whine and feel sorry for myself and gnash my teeth and maybe even cry but what’s the point?  Sometimes life just kicks your ass for shits and grins and leaves you wondering why being a human is so darn hard.  Then, somebody really wise reminds me in a gentle way to just shut my fucking pie hole and cut the irritating girlie shit and grow some balls.  That person must do a lot of yoga, huh?

Then again, I could just say I had blogger’s block….which is a really lame excuse.  I mean, one  can actually use  blogger’s block as fodder for a blog post.  In fact, I think I may have already used my “get outta blogger jail  free card” by writing about blogger’s block in a previous post.   If not, I hereby reserve the right to use it at a later time.  It has no expiration date and won’t go all green and fuzzy like the fruit in my fridge that I buy out of nutritional guilt and allow to slowly rot away  in specially designed  bins  that are supposed to keep  fruit from rotting away.  Guess I forgot to read the manual.  I need to just ‘fess up that I’m not a big fruit eater.  All I can say to that is, I hope I don’t get scurvy like those unfortunate pirates and sailors of old.   Well, the pirates probably deserved it so I don’t feel bad about them.  The sailors, on the other hand, may deserve some sympathy, I supposed.  Unless, of course, they were part of some  expedition hell-bent on discovering new lands and exterminating indigenous people in the name of the Catholic church.  

Back to the subject of my fridge….I think it has actually become some sort of portal into the future.  It’s subtle. I can’t quite put my finger on it.   I’m discovering things I can’t remember purchasing.  Like products that claim “extra fiber” or “added calcium”.    Hmmm. 

Am I overreacting?  Becuase, I often overreact.

It’s just that I don’t want irregularity or osteoporosis and I think my fridge is trying to tell me something. 

To be on the safe side, I think I’ll listen.  I’m going to choke down that English muffin with extra fiber if it kills me.  Although I’ll probably slather on a giant slab of butter to make it go down easier but that shouldn’t affect me one way or another, right?

I must sigh off.   I just got an inexplicable  hankerin’ for a tall, frosty glass of prune juice.   Ahhhhhh!