Political Sexploits: A Brief History

Now that I’ve turned from anger and dismay about the state of American politics in Washington to finding ways to shamelessly mock politicians who can’t keep their dicks in their pants, let’s get down and dirty about….

Sex.

Not just sex but rather, political sexploits.

I’ve been fascinated by politicians who engage in sexual shenanigans since the days of Gary Hart.  Remember Gary?  Mr. Catch-Me-If-You-Can?  Mr. Monkey-Business-in-Bimini?  It seems so long ago….

To steal a phrase from that true American wordsmith, Yogi Berra, it’s like déjà vu all over again.  Because, there’s a new chapter in the erotic saga of Sex Goes To Washington.

Pussygate.

Gotta love that title.  Wish I’d have coined it.

But I didn’t.

Now, let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we? It’s not as if the current POTUS reinvented the hard-on or anything.  It’s just that Pussygate has made me feel so nostalgic.  For the record, I am not a political animal but I do enjoy engaging in  mockery of a political nature.

I’ll start AFTER the Kennedy era due to lack of space….too many brothers and too much to cover and I’d probably have to look up how to spell Chappa-what’sit.

Let’s start with Mr. Monkey Business because I see poor ole’ Gary Hart as Patient Zero in the Politicians With Roaming Dicks epidemic as it relates to the media.  In my humble view, this was the beginning of open season on the personal lives of politicians and their wandering penises.

1987: Gary Hart announces his run for president then promptly challenges the media to find anything non-exemplary in his personal life. Okey dokey, Gary. Note for future reference:  This is like telling your massage therapist to “go as deep-tissue as you want…you can’t hurt me.”  Those of you who have uttered that absurd challenge knows what I’m talking about.

1996: Dick Morris. Oh, Dick, Dick, Dick.  The same Dick who loved to have his $200 per hour hooker listen in on his political conversations.  “Dick” isn’t quite as tragically hilarious a name as Anthony Weiner, but still damn funny.  He wasn’t a politician per se but rather a campaign strategist for Bill Clinton.   He now works for the National Enquirer after a brief stint as a Fox News commentator, then a columnist for The Hill.  As an aside, The National Enquirer is owned by a guy named Pecker.

1998:  Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Holy shit. I mean, really?  I don’t know about y’all, but when I think Oval Office Bathroom, I think blow job.  I’ll never look at a cigar the same way again, own anything that’s blue or made of silk nor will I understand what the meaning of “is” really is.  Maybe this was what he and Dick were strategizing about:  how to keep the leader of the free world from being taken down by a chick from The Valley.

1998: Newt Gingrich: resigned from the House after admitted to having an affair with a staffer while he was leading the impeachment of Bill Clinton for the Lewinsky affair.  I wonder which word came first; hypocrisy or politics? I’ll have to research ‘cuz I’m seein’ a pattern here.  Is it just me??

2007:  John Edwards.  Damn it. We almost had a super hot president in office but there’s little one can do when the evidence of his sport-fucking is a squirming, wailing, bundle of joyous DNA wearing a diaper.

2011:  Anthony Weiner: Oy. Didn’t he learn anything from the pioneers who came before?  He should have been paying closer attention to Spermgate and the struggles of Dick who now works for Pecker.

Good thing I didn’t go back as far as the Johnson years.

So, dear readers, I’ll close with a lovely cliché that doesn’t quite ring true in the Wacky World of Washington:  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In the case of our illustrious political leaders, it’s more like Absence Makes the Hard On Wander.

Disclaimer: Not an original phrase.  I overheard it said by an ex-husband whose name escapes me. Good thing I’m not a politician. I’d never survive the scrutiny.

Photo Credit: No idea who took the featured image pic but I find it visually apropos.

 

 

 

 

Politics and The Media

After a long, dry spell in Blogville, I was hoping to come up with something light and comical.  I like comical. It’s funny…thus the name.  But, alas, I ain’t got no funny.  Ain’t got no snark.

Well, maybe I’ve got some snark, as it’s rarely completely AWOL so here it is:

Our current administration and the media that covers it are all sniveling pussies who just won’t grow up and don’t give two shits about the great unwashed and whether or not we get real news, agenda-based-news, fake news, revenge news or Jerry-Springer-esque news. Not to mention the purile, non-stop, someone-hide-his-fucking-phone tweets from our how-the-hell-did-this-happen commander in chief.

It’s chaos. Unadulterated, full on torches and pitchforks, shit between the administration and the people who report about it.  The American public has just become an afterthought; the collateral damage of this political / media war. It’s so bad that I’ve decided to come up with a name for it.

The Pussy Riots.

Apologies to the band for hijacking their name but I can’t help it. It fits.  And for me, it’s bloody laughable. And I don’t mean in a way that political comedy and satire should be.  Like what the good folks of Saturday Night Live so brilliantly bring us which is to say, true comedy in a cathartic kind of way. Rather, it makes me want to scream and throw my T.V. out the window like Peter Finch in Network!  Dude was right on! Unfortunately, it just wouldn’t have the same impact because T.Vs nowadays only weigh about 8 oz. and don’t produce the same kind of crashing mayhem of older televisions when you toss them from ten story apartment buildings but I’m sure you get my point, regardless.

Did you happen to notice that I use the words politics, politicians and media numerous times in this post?  Know why?  Because I’ve just learned that thanks to the wonders of technology, bloggers now have to think really hard about what words to use so they’ll show up high on search engines.

Really? I ask my low-tech, prehistoric, analog self.

Yes, really, Jurassic Girl.

So here’s a whole bunch of words that will hopefully result in search engine optimization (SEO) of this post so tens of people will see it:  PUSSY, PUSSIES, PUSSY RIOT, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, CNN, POLITICIANS, POLITICS, MEDIA, POTUS, TWEETS, FAKE NEWS, REVENGE NEWS, JERRY SPRINGER, POLITICS, POLITICS, POLITICS, MEDIA, MEDIA, MEDIA.

So…..I would be remiss if I didn’t thank those who fueled this Sunday morning rant.

Thank you MEDIA.  Thank you POTUS.  Thank you POLITICIANS and the POLITICS you practice.  Thank you, MEDIA folks.  Thank you FAKE NEWS outlets. Thank you PUSSY RIOT. Thank you PUSSIES everywhere….for providing the necessary words that I’ve so shamelessly exploited.

To conclude my diatribe about Politics and The Media (see how I continue to kiss the ass of technology there?), I suggest they all be punish-ed until they get back to what they should be doing:  serving the American public and not their own agendas.

I suggest a spanking machine or something physical that will get their attention.

Somebody call Guantanamo. I’m sure there’s something left over that would suffice.

Namaste, assholes.