The YouTube Triangle
One day, I’m going to be sucked up into cyberspace by a YouTube tractor beam (invented by Google in case that damn self-driving car never takes off), transported into the future and dropped unceremoniously into the middle of the some desert just like in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I’ll be wandering around, bewildered and afraid with a group of strangers who had the misfortune of watching too much YouTube, just like me. We’ll be greeted by stunned on-lookers from decades ahead. These futuristic citizens will probably have chips implanted in their brains so all they have to do is THINK about YouTube and videos appear in the mind’s eye.
Oh, yes. Someday…I will be taken. I’m sure of it. Not even the Sponge Bob Band-Aid I have over my laptop camera can save me from my fate. (They reach out and grab you through that little hole. Did you know that?! It’s an evil, goddamn portal to Dog knows where!) I try not to venture too far in unless I need remedial training on how to put on a duvet cover by rolling it up “burrito” style but let’s face it…resistance is futile.
Against my better judgment, I started watching funny baby videos the other day. That led to funny baby videos with dogs that led to funny videos with babies, dogs AND cats that led to videos without babies or dogs and just cats and that led to more and more and more cat videos. It was like being locked in an infinity mirror room but instead of seeing endless “me”s it was endless videos of cats knocking shit off shelves and stuffing themselves into cardboard boxes and paper bags
Here’s the problem: you can’t watch just one cat video. They’re visual potato chips.
But today was different. I ventured into The Triangle because of the Wall Street Journal. I was having a typical weekend morning in my jammies, a big cup o’ Joe, a pile of dogs, my computer and a stack of unread WSJs I was determined to catch up on. Lo and behold in that little section of the front page that always has some kind of comical, esoteric human interest was the most ridiculous article I’ve ever read.
No, it’s not Fake News. You can read for yourself, it’s entitled (wait for it!!!……….)
Damn! Poor Shibani must be on somebody’s shit list to get THAT plumb writing gig, huh?
Naturally, I was morbidly curious but even more morbidly shocked that I was curious at all about something so fundamentally revolting. It wasn’t just the title of the article that pulled me in but rather the astronomical number of views one particular video received. It was posted by a dermatologist calling herself Dr. Pimple Popper. Yes. I really did type that and it’s really what she calls herself. One video ALONE received 29 million views. Well, 29 million and one since I did the unthinkable and viewed it.
I’m here to tell you that I can never UNSEE what I saw.
This, folks, is the power of…um…well…I’m not really sure what. The Internet? YouTube itself? Inexplicable curiosity?
You know that old saying about curiosity killing the cat? None of the cat videos I watched resulted in a fatality and no cat I saw seemed likely to be curious about pimple popping…unless there’s a video of a human pimple popper curled up inside a kitty condo with a paper bag over their head that I somehow missed. But hey, what the hell do I know? I’m one of the idiots that looked at the Dr. Pimple Popper video!
Maybe there’s a reality show in the making here: Are You Smarter Than A Curious Cat? I fear the human contestants might perish turning it into a life-imitating-art Running Man-esque scenario. Let’s nix that idea.
I don’t know else to say about this because it’s at once hysterical and disturbing to me. This is like…a testament to human curiosity that I can’t quite get my brain around. Not to mention the endless other videos and websites that contain the same subject matter. I mean, what next folks? Removing ingrown toenails at home: a DIY guide?? Epic earwax removals caught on camera?? Web-cam pap smears?? (Somebody tell me those don’t actually exist).
I have just one request: Post more cat videos, people!