Political Sexploits: A Brief History

Now that I’ve turned from anger and dismay about the state of American politics in Washington to finding ways to shamelessly mock politicians who can’t keep their dicks in their pants, let’s get down and dirty about….

Sex.

Not just sex but rather, political sexploits.

I’ve been fascinated by politicians who engage in sexual shenanigans since the days of Gary Hart.  Remember Gary?  Mr. Catch-Me-If-You-Can?  Mr. Monkey-Business-in-Bimini?  It seems so long ago….

To steal a phrase from that true American wordsmith, Yogi Berra, it’s like déjà vu all over again.  Because, there’s a new chapter in the erotic saga of Sex Goes To Washington.

Pussygate.

Gotta love that title.  Wish I’d have coined it.

But I didn’t.

Now, let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we? It’s not as if the current POTUS reinvented the hard-on or anything.  It’s just that Pussygate has made me feel so nostalgic.  For the record, I am not a political animal but I do enjoy engaging in  mockery of a political nature.

I’ll start AFTER the Kennedy era due to lack of space….too many brothers and too much to cover and I’d probably have to look up how to spell Chappa-what’sit.

Let’s start with Mr. Monkey Business because I see poor ole’ Gary Hart as Patient Zero in the Politicians With Roaming Dicks epidemic as it relates to the media.  In my humble view, this was the beginning of open season on the personal lives of politicians and their wandering penises.

1987: Gary Hart announces his run for president then promptly challenges the media to find anything non-exemplary in his personal life. Okey dokey, Gary. Note for future reference:  This is like telling your massage therapist to “go as deep-tissue as you want…you can’t hurt me.”  Those of you who have uttered that absurd challenge knows what I’m talking about.

1996: Dick Morris. Oh, Dick, Dick, Dick.  The same Dick who loved to have his $200 per hour hooker listen in on his political conversations.  “Dick” isn’t quite as tragically hilarious a name as Anthony Weiner, but still damn funny.  He wasn’t a politician per se but rather a campaign strategist for Bill Clinton.   He now works for the National Enquirer after a brief stint as a Fox News commentator, then a columnist for The Hill.  As an aside, The National Enquirer is owned by a guy named Pecker.

1998:  Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Holy shit. I mean, really?  I don’t know about y’all, but when I think Oval Office Bathroom, I think blow job.  I’ll never look at a cigar the same way again, own anything that’s blue or made of silk nor will I understand what the meaning of “is” really is.  Maybe this was what he and Dick were strategizing about:  how to keep the leader of the free world from being taken down by a chick from The Valley.

1998: Newt Gingrich: resigned from the House after admitted to having an affair with a staffer while he was leading the impeachment of Bill Clinton for the Lewinsky affair.  I wonder which word came first; hypocrisy or politics? I’ll have to research ‘cuz I’m seein’ a pattern here.  Is it just me??

2007:  John Edwards.  Damn it. We almost had a super hot president in office but there’s little one can do when the evidence of his sport-fucking is a squirming, wailing, bundle of joyous DNA wearing a diaper.

2011:  Anthony Weiner: Oy. Didn’t he learn anything from the pioneers who came before?  He should have been paying closer attention to Spermgate and the struggles of Dick who now works for Pecker.

Good thing I didn’t go back as far as the Johnson years.

So, dear readers, I’ll close with a lovely cliché that doesn’t quite ring true in the Wacky World of Washington:  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In the case of our illustrious political leaders, it’s more like Absence Makes the Hard On Wander.

Disclaimer: Not an original phrase.  I overheard it said by an ex-husband whose name escapes me. Good thing I’m not a politician. I’d never survive the scrutiny.

Photo Credit: No idea who took the featured image pic but I find it visually apropos.

 

 

 

 

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