Where In The World Is Jules Howe?
My good pal and I – along with a couple of other dudes who love film – just returned from the Sundance Film Festival. I was going to post some cool stuff about it along with a funny story about what happens when you forget to put your glasses on in the morning.
But, no.
I have to tell THIS story.
For anyone who knows me or reads my blog (thank you, thank you if you do), I am not well-versed on the ways of technology and how to use it nor how it uses me without my knowledge.
Flying home, aforementioned peeps and I were talking about privacy settings on all the devices we lug around like appendages we can’t live without. This is somewhat ironic since my girlfriend was just telling me a few nights before that stuff comes up on her Facebook page about where she is or where she’s been. She and I both pondered how in the Sam Hill that happens. I told her I don’t think that’s ever happened to me.
As usual, I was wrong.
I just found out from the Timeline thing that I was at Mission Ranch recently. There was a map….and a little red pin showing the exactly location of the place. Yeah, okay. I was there with a group over the holidays. The relevance of that and why anyone would give a shit is my first thought.
Then I give it a little more thought and my blood pressure goes up and I have to take a Xanax and pace around my office for a while. Not out of fear, I’m just pissed off.
Fortunately, I don’t have any stalkers that I’m aware of because Facebook (or whatever device made this happen) put a giant “She Is Here” target on my back without me knowing it. But the worse thing about all this is that I don’t have any idea how to control it because of my limited technological prowess. I’m at an extreme disadvantage. I suddenly feel like a patsy in a world of I-don’t-know-what.
Advertisers? Marketers? A government experiment? What!!
Naturally, I want to know how this happens but I’m afraid to ask because I fear it involves a learning curve and at my age, I’m pretty set on going straight.
But I don’t think I can do that. I have to know because I’m stuck in a world I know very little about soon to become just a speck in a nebulous universe of clouds and hashtags and faceless pings and tracking devices that I don’t even know I’m carrying around.
[You do know that the proliferation of technology in our society was what drove the Unibomber crazy, right?]
We saw a film at Sundance called Afternoon Delight where the main character has a meltdown which I identified with immediately.
It was about The Cloud and what the motherfucking hell is it? And what is it capable of? I mean think about it. It’s this “area” that we can’t touch or feel or see that stores all of our digital belongings. It’s not a place. It’s not a thing. It’s godlike. We have to trust and have faith that It will always be there for us…therefore It merits a capital letter when referring to It.
Just like God (unless you’re so inclined to refer to Him as g-d in which case It might need to become I-t for some).
Seriously, folks. I’m gobsmacked by all this shit. It simultaneously fascinates me and repels me. I have nothing more to say so I’ll just quote Mick and Keith who had no idea their words way back in the day would have such relevance today:
Hey you! Get off of my cloud!
I have no idea if this cloud thing has anything to do with anything and quite frankly, I don’t give a shit. It’s too exhausting to decipher. It’s all the same to me and I am stuck here. Trapped. I need this stuff and hate this stuff. I consume it, I gobble it up and it threatens to choke me. I try to spit it out but can’t.
So I just swallow hard and hope for the best.
P.S. Just so you know, today I’ll be in Monterey getting my legs waxed at 606 Lighthouse Avenue at 1:00. Then, I’ll probably stop in Carmel for a coffee with some friends at that little place between Areias Jewelry and the Coach Store on Ocean around 2:30ish. Then to Whole Foods at Del Monte Center where I’ll purchase some nice baby arugula and some roast chicken. I’ll be there around 4:30 if you’re in an abduction kind of a mood. Say! How about I make it easy for you…I’ll bring the duct tape.
hahahahha. Can’t stop laughing! Do you think this technology has been used in alien abductions!? If I don’t see you later, I will call the FBI and report you either kidnapped or abducted!
Yes! I KNOW it has! Where do you think I spent my summer vacation?
Bring 1M, all cash in a black brief case, small unmarked bills.
Sending over a dump truck full of pennies. I’ve been collecting them for forty six years.
Do as I say, 1M small unmarked bills or else.
Or else you’ll cancel my Vanity Fair subscription? You’ll call my dentist and tell her I stopped flossing in 2008? Tell my husband I drink milk directly from the carton? Be specific cuz I gotta weigh my options.
Jules, it would be an honor to kidnap you. But I’m afraid I’m just too far away so the mere logistics of the operation gives me pause. This will have to be a pass for me.
Darn! Oh, well, Doug. My hidden GPS-transmitter-radar-blinking devices will notify you as soon as I’m in your area so maybe you’ll get a second chance.
I’ll call those Martians I know. They would love to take Julie, I am sure….she can fit into their little, tiny space suits!
Yeah, but those third sleeves prove difficult from a fashion standpoint.
I might come to take you, but I hate arugula.
HAHA! I knew that. It’s why I chose it. I’ve already tried the garlic necklace and it didn’t stop you. Had to come up with some other kind of repellent.
We’ve been telling you for years now that your head is in the cloud(s), Jules.
Funny, Benny! Now it’s my whole being that’s in the clouds, right?