Where In The World Is Jules Howe?

My good pal and I – along with a couple of other dudes who love film – just returned from the Sundance Film Festival.  I was going to post some cool stuff about it along with a funny story about what happens when you forget to put your glasses on in the morning.

But, no.

I have to tell THIS story.

For anyone who knows me or reads my blog (thank you, thank you if you do), I am not well-versed on the ways of technology and how to use it nor how it uses me without my knowledge.

Flying home, aforementioned peeps and I were talking about privacy settings on all the devices we lug around like appendages we can’t live without.  This is somewhat ironic since my girlfriend was just telling me a few nights before that stuff comes up on her Facebook page about where she is or where she’s been. She and I both pondered how in the Sam Hill that happens. I told her I don’t think that’s ever happened to me.

As usual, I was wrong.

I just found out from the Timeline thing that I was at Mission Ranch recently. There was a map….and a little red pin showing the exactly location of the place. Yeah, okay. I was there with a group over the holidays. The relevance of that and why anyone would give a shit is my first thought.

Then I give it a little more thought and my blood pressure goes up and I have to take a Xanax and pace around my office for a while.  Not out of fear, I’m just pissed off.

Fortunately, I don’t have any stalkers that I’m aware of because Facebook (or whatever device made this happen) put a giant “She Is Here” target on my back without me knowing it. But the worse thing about all this is that I don’t have any idea how to control it because of my limited technological prowess. I’m at an extreme disadvantage. I suddenly feel like a patsy in a world of I-don’t-know-what.

Advertisers? Marketers? A government experiment?  What!!

Naturally, I want to know how this happens but I’m afraid to ask because I fear it involves a learning curve and at my age, I’m pretty set on going straight.

But I don’t think I can do that. I have to know because I’m stuck in a world I know very little about soon to become just a speck in a nebulous universe of clouds and hashtags and faceless pings and tracking devices that I don’t even know I’m carrying around.

[You do know that the proliferation of technology in our society was what drove the Unibomber crazy, right?]

We saw a film at Sundance called Afternoon Delight where the main character has a meltdown which I identified with immediately.

It was about The Cloud and what the motherfucking hell is it?  And what is it capable of? I mean think about it.  It’s this “area” that we can’t touch or feel or see that stores all of our digital belongings.  It’s not a place. It’s not a thing.  It’s godlike.  We have to trust and have faith that It will always be there for us…therefore It merits a capital letter when referring to It.

Just like God (unless you’re so inclined to refer to Him as g-d in which case It might need to become I-t for some).

Seriously, folks. I’m gobsmacked by all this shit. It simultaneously fascinates me and repels me. I have nothing more to say so  I’ll just quote Mick and Keith who had no idea their words way back in the day would have such relevance today:

Hey you!  Get off of my cloud!

I have no idea if this cloud thing has anything to do with anything and quite frankly, I don’t give a shit. It’s too exhausting to decipher. It’s all the same to me and I am stuck here. Trapped. I need this stuff and hate this stuff. I consume it, I gobble it up and it threatens to choke me. I try to spit it out but can’t.

So I just swallow hard and hope for the best.

P.S. Just so you know, today I’ll be in Monterey getting my legs waxed at 606 Lighthouse Avenue at 1:00.  Then, I’ll probably stop in Carmel for a coffee with some friends at that little place between Areias Jewelry and the Coach Store on Ocean around 2:30ish. Then to Whole Foods at Del Monte Center where I’ll purchase some nice baby arugula and some roast chicken.  I’ll be there around 4:30 if you’re in an abduction kind of a mood. Say! How  about I make it easy for you…I’ll bring the duct tape.