Almost Anonymous

American sperm banks control 65% of the global market. That’s according to Time Magazine.

Great!  At least we’re exporting something meaningful these days.

Also according to Time, “America’s ejaculatory exceptionalism is not a result of men’s superior virility….”

I didn’t get a whole lot farther in the article not because I didn’t find it fascinating.  It was because I spit my morning coffee all over the page in a fit of choking laughter at that awesome phrase. I don’t know about everyone else but when I spew coffee all over a magazine article it tends to obscure the words.

Ejaculatory exceptionalism.  I’m trying desperately to figure out how I can re-use that somewhere.

But I digress…

The article contained a picture of a Canadian mother from Quebec City named Shari Ann and her two darling partially-made-in-America twin boys.  Lovely family, lovely woman, “who asked to go by her first name to protect her family’s privacy.”

Don’t get me wrong. This whole sperm export thing is super cool and I’m glad to see America number one at something besides sugar consumption [Go Masturbators!] but I couldn’t get past that family privacy thing.

We know what she looks like.  We know her first name.  We know she has twin boys. We know she’s from Quebec City.  She’s featured in a news article in a magazine that has a subscription of probably a gazillion, not to mention all the single copies picked up in airports by people like me who buy them as protection against seat-mates who want to spend the next three hours telling me about their cheating spouse or why I should take up composting.  Not that I have anything against people who cheat or compost but you know what I mean.

So, Shari Ann from Quebec City with twin boys, I commend you for your openness about being so private.  I am glad your neighbors to the south were able to help you create such a beautiful family.  Truly. I am pleased for you.  But I hate to tell ya that the odds of somebody, somewhere recognizing you are pretty dadgum high. Just sayin’.

As for all that American sperm….I think it’s awesome that it’s joining the ranks of the two other American exports that can be found pretty much in every corner of our fine planet:  Tabasco and Mormons.

***Clarification:  I am fond of both Tabasco AND Mormons. And, of course, sperm.



Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
May 6, 2012 11:52 am

Actually, I cannot understand what the “America’s ejaculatory exceptionalism” mean…

May 9, 2012 5:15 pm

I dig chicks. I just felt that needed to go on the record somewhere in this discussion.