Money Does Not Buy A Penis

Right now I’m wondering if using the word “penis” in a blog post title will attract some of the more, how should I say it??…..detail oriented blog surfers?

Fact is, money cannot actually buy a penis, per se.  At least one of the God-given, detached variety in the literal sense unless you’re a real sick puppy.  Money may buy the temporary USE of a penis that is attached to a human or a penis replica but that’s not what this is about so never mind all that.

This was a real-life linguistic misunderstanding  (embellished, of course, because half-truths are so much better than whole ones) between a native English speaker and a charming Frenchman just having a nice convo about cooking.  The Frenchman spoke fluent English with passionate flare and a charming accent that could bring most women to their knees (no pun intended given the title of this post):

It went a little something like this:

A beautiful kitchen setting…LOVELY WOMAN observes a FRENCHMAN creating a culinary masterpiece of some sort.  The lovely woman is on her third glass of wine.

LOVELY WOMAN:

I wish I could cook like that.

FRENCHMAN:

Cooking is my life.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Did you go to culinary school?

FRENCHMAN:

No, no. I was taught by a chef who worked for our family. He looked after me as a child and taught me everything.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Ah. I see. How fortunate.

FRENCHMAN:

I suppose. My parents were never around.  We were raised by servants.

LOVELY WOMAN:

That must have been lonely.

FRENCHMAN:

Not really.  I had many, many friends.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Lots of girlfriends, too, I’m sure. Any man that can cook like that is bound to attract a lot of women. My boyrfriend can’t open a cabinet.

FRENCHMAN:

Would you like me to teach him?

LOVELY WOMAN:

To open a cabinet?

FRENCHMAN:

Or to cook.  Whatever you like.

LOVELY WOMAN:

That would cost a boatload of cash, trust me. It could take years.

FRENCHMAN:

I am free.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Free?  Right.  Maybe we’re not talking about the same thing.

FRENCHMAN:

Money does not buy a penis.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Uh…well not….what?

FRENCHMAN:

A penis.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Yea…I, uh, got that part.  I mean, I don’t have that part.  YOU have that part….but….never mind.  You’re telling me I can’t buy your penis?

FRENCHMAN:

What is this yourpenis?  I do not know this word. I am saying a penis. Money does not buy a penis.

LOVELY WOMAN:

Well, yeah. I guess generally speaking that’s right.

FRENCHMAN:

A penis is what we feel in our—-

LOVELY WOMAN:

Whoa…let’s just talk about something else, okay?

FRENCHMAN:

What is more beautiful than talking about a penis?

LOVELY WOMAN

I guess nothing if you get all jazzed about anatomy. But I can think of lots of beautiful things to talk about that aren’t genetalia.  For instance….how about kittens?  Or babies?  Or pie?  Wait…scratch the pie reference. How about spices?   That’s right up your alley.

FRENCHMAN

Yes! Yes!  All those things make me a pee!

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