The Importance Of Being Well-Lit

By well-lit I do not mean drunk.

Then again, I did have a strong urge to slam back a shot or two after a recent shopping experience.  I debated on whether or not to call this post “An Open Letter To Nordstrom Stores” but decided broad is better.

As I stare down the short end of life-half-over there are certain words and phrases  sneaking their way into my vocab.  Like bifocals, estate planning, brow lift.  I catch glimpses of myself in mirrors and wonder who the hell this person is that’s mocking me.  Sometimes I get this crazy grade school cafeteria flashback of that horrible week when I was 9 and Lisa Wyers decided to point at me and tell everyone to hate me for no reason.  That was a million years ago and I STILL remember it like it was yesterday. I can’t eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to this day without it sticking in my throat.


And now a gnarly Nordstrom’s dressing room has taken Lisa’s place….40 goddamn years later!!  Not just the dressing room itself which was quite spacious.  It had a cute, padded bench, a lovely little framed print of Milan, a gigantic, three-panelled mirror plucked from a traveling Midwestern carnival…

And then came…

The lighting.




Unforgiving?   No. Not strong enough.

Judgmental.  That’s it. Judgmental.

It revealed every crater, every bulge, every fat cell desperately trying to hide itself under relentlessly thinning skin.

It spoke to me, this lighting. It had a voice.  A voice right outta some chilling film. Sneering, mocking, sinister.  If this voice had a face?  It would be Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs.   “Love your suit.”

Here’s the deal, department stores…..

Do what Merv Griffin did in all the women’s bathrooms at the Beverly Hilton…..

He made sure the lighting was FLATTERING.


Because women in good moods makes the world a better place.  Trust me on this.

Now, I’m not a man basher in any sense of the word.  I love men.  More than I should which has gotten me in more trouble than I want to admit in writing.  However, it’s generally men who build these places and aforementioned men have not had cellulite on their asses since they were 3 months old which should preclude them from ever lighting a woman’s dressing room.


So here’s a tip Nordstrom:   better lighting = more sales.

I don’t know about anyone else out there….but this here broad will pay full boat for anything if her ass and thighs look smooth in the harsh reality of down light.  Delusion is the BFF of the female, fashion-hungry consumer.

Something to think about, retailers.

And fuck you, Lisa Wyers, wherever you are.

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