We Regret To Inform You….

…that you’re just too damn old.

My diabolical-self-deprecating-hair-shirt inner voice screamed that at me this afternoon during snack time (an apple with peanut butter).

I was standing at the kitchen counter minding my own goddamn binuss, basking in the joy of becoming a finalist in the Austin Film Festival screenwriting competition and WHAM!  Fuck you and your joy, you peri-menopausal moron!

God, I hate that voice.

They make movies about inner voices like that.

Like Summer of Sam.

Where the hell is Spike Lee when I need him, huh??

So that inner voice kept taunting me until I devoured an entire jar of peanut butter (846 grams of fat) with a wooden spoon…the apple didn’t last long….and chugged half a gallon of milk (another 450 grams) and two Snickers (why the fuck do I buy these???).

For the record, my inner voice sounds strikingly similar to Glenn Close as Cruella DeVille (“Catch those puppieessss!”).

Glenn as Cruella said (mockingly of course):  “You’re gonna get to Austin and they’re gonna say to you ‘ We love your work, but Hollywood wants…how should we put it?… young…and that’s not you’.  Sorry.”

What a bitch that voice is.

I really hope that doesn’t happen.

Generally…..I’m not such a pussy….really….I’m not!

I do not like feeling this way.

It will pass.

It always does.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
October 3, 2010 9:24 am

First, CONGRATS on Austin, that is such an amazing accomplishment and you deserve every last drop of that peanut butter.

You will find when you get to Austin there are people of all ages writing movies. You are going to have a damn good time out there and talk to a lot of fun and interesting people.

Congrats again and best of luck in Austin.

October 4, 2010 3:32 pm

A multi-national insurance company recently marched into one of their large satellite offices and fired every single employee EXCEPT the oldest person, my 63 year old best friend, who was by far the most talented one. So there, old people rule (if you can even consider yourself old, you pussy).

Good to see you back by the way.