My Life Of Crimes

Of the heart that is.

I am a bon-o-fide offender.

In fact, habitual.

The other day I had to fill out something that required me to list ALL the names under which I have been known throughout my life.

I thought nothing of it, snatched up my favorite pen so my penmanship wouldn’t go all wonky and followed the instructions.

Then I looked down and saw how many names there were.

My life as five women.

From my birth through the present.

Five very different lives.

Sad but true, I am the Sybil of matrimony.


I hadn’t felt this embarrassed since Mrs. Brown yelled at me on the first day of kindergarten for standing on a chair. 

And that was when I only had ONE name.

This gave my psyche a major jolt, like a million cups of Joe hitting my system all at once.   

It bothered me….a little.

Then it pissed me off.

I should have answered with something snarky like “What’s it to ya?” or “None of your beeswax” but I chose to be honest and “beeswax” sounds so juvenile.

Next time I’m going to use Jane Doe.

I love the name Jane.

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July 17, 2009 8:45 pm

Forget the names, I think I have just turned into a totally different person every 10 or so years! I should start getting new names every time I have a “change of life” experience! I think I have already used up Bitch, Fucker Girl, Yoni, Joanie Bologna, Fucker, Ugly Bald-Headed Fucker Bitch (I’m not bald-headed), and JoanieLo. I’ll have to give this some thought…..