Bloodwork

I have this annoying….. affliction.

Every time I have blood drawn, I faint.  Not your average, run-of-the-mill lightheaded out-for-a-second episode  but rather the flat out, goodnight Irene, should-we-call-911 sort of thing where I wake up face down with office-issue carpet fibers in my teeth.  It’s a bummer.

I have tried to work my way through this with mind-0ver-matter b.s. that seems to just make it worse.  On top of that, nobody ever wanted to believe me when I said I was a fainter.  It would go something like this:

ME:

Uh, listen.  I’m really sorry but I’m one of those people who faints and knocks over everything in the room.  Since there’s a whole lotta metal around here, it’s libel to break an eardrum when I drop.

CHEERY PHLEBOTOMIST:

Oh, that’s what they all say, sweetie.  We’ll just lean you back and you’ll be fine. Just don’t look.

ME:

I never look.  But I really need to be supine.

CHEERY PHLEBOTOMIST:

We really don’t have a place to lay you flat.   This’ll be over in two shakes of a lamb’s tail, hon, so let’s just get the show on the road, okay?

ME:

Um…. I really need to be—

NO LONGER CHEERY PHLEBOTOMIST:

Listen up, candy ass.  Have you seen that line out there?  I’ve got 2 elderly regulars  who want to feel me up, followed by five  felons from county and at least 20 others who, all together, probably won’t whine as much as you.  Now roll up that sleeve and shut your cake hole.

I do as she says.  And I do as I said I would. 

It has been an ugly and stressful cycle that, over the years, has forced me into a sort of  no bloodwork moretoreum which is not a healthy thing.  

But I have found a cure:   mind altering pharmaceuticals.

I was first turned on to them by my dentist who promised a pain-free, “sedation” experience.  All I can say is…. I freakin’ LOVE my dentist.   The drug she gave me was the bomb!  I didn’t care what they did to me.  They could have given me a mouth full of Mickey Rourke gold and I wouldn’t have cared. 

So I got this bright idea.  Why not take this miracle one step further? I’ll take it before I get a blood test!

Since I now have this really awesome doc with a very caring staff, I approached him with the idea.

ME:

Doc, I want to take this really cool mind altering drug before I have my blood test.  I want your nurse to lay me down flat, put a blanky over me and let me drift off to dreamland while you do that medieval blood drawing shit, kay?

DOC:

Sure….whatever you want.

Ditto on the  love thing here.

So yesterday I put my theory to the test with stellar results! 

The only down side is that this drug knocks you on your ass and also has a sort of “amnesiac” affect. You have to have a designated driver to take you and pick you up.  My good friend, Jen was the lucky contestant!

Another downside:  you have absolutely no inhibitions and people can ask you ANYTHING and you’ll tell them.  A potentially dangerous proposition if said designated driver wants to ask you questions about your shady past. Jen, dear girl that she is, spared me and kept her questions to herself. 

Ummmm…… at least I think she did.

Why hasn’t she called?

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michele
January 14, 2009 9:18 pm

So what is this wonder drug?

Just asking…

michele
January 15, 2009 1:42 pm

I need to look into this – I get so stressed at the dentist office.

Jen
Jen
January 16, 2009 1:44 am

blackmail…dark chocolate,cookie dough,cake batter, that expensive scotch,any of those will work and I will spill it!!
PS-when do we get to do this again?

Kitty
January 16, 2009 10:23 am

Elective root canals… I’m dying laughing here.
You are hilarious. Love this post.

Kitty
January 20, 2009 11:32 am

Gold tooth, that’s hilarious. You’re a wild and crazy girl!

Kitty
January 21, 2009 1:36 am

Gold. With a star shaped cutout that shows some tooth.