You Take Package And Go!
A funny thing happened to a friend of mine recently.
A delivery or stuff she ordered went astray and she had to track it down. It was quite an impressive bit of detective work, I must say. In another life, I think she was a sleuth of some sort. Yeah, that’s it… a sleuth. That’s a cool word… sleuth. My favorite word is tsunami but I think sleuth just made it into the top ten.
The following is based on true events but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
The Story Goes:
A lithe young woman bounds up the wooden stairs of a compact Victorian apartment building. This is CHLOE. She knocks on the door and waits. No answer. She pulls a notepad and pen from her backpack and scribbles a note, sticks it on the door
Day Turns to Night:
Chloe drives up slowly and eyes the front door of the Victorian. The note on the door is gone. She climbs put of the car and knocks on the door. There are tentative footsteps beyond the door, then silence.
MAN’S VOICE: Go away.
CHLOE: Um… I think you have a package of mine. UPS said they delivered it here by mistake. I left a note? With my phone number? I didn’t hear from and thought—-
MAN’S VOICE: I say go away! I have restraining order.
MAN’S VOICE: You are conniving woman! You play tricks on me!
CHLOE: Look, dude. You don’t even know me. I don’t know anything about a restraining order but I do know you have my package. Now open up or I’m calling the cops. And by the way, conniving is not a flattering word.
MAN’S VOICE: You are in… uh…. cohorts with ex-wife.
Chloe’s patience is being tried at this point but she really, really wants that box and calls on her inner zen-child to get the job done.
CHLOE: No I am not. And the word is cahoots, not cohorts. I am NOT in cahoots with your ex-wife. I don’t know your ex-wife, whoever she is. Look, I’m freezing my ass off here and I really just want my package so please just hand it over and I’ll get out of here, okay?
MAN: Maybe you are ex-wife.
CHLOE: Uh…. clearly, if you open the door, you will see that I am NOT your ex-wife.
The door opens slightly and a dark eye peers out at Chloe from behind the chain. The door shuts and the chain rattles. The MAN opens the door just enough for Chloe to see inside. Beyond the MAN is a mattress on the floor, stacks of books on translating Turkish to English and a cardboard box with its contents strewn about the room. On the outside of the ravaged box is printed: As Seen On TV.
Chloe is pissed and all decorum goes out the window.
CHLOE: That’s my stuff!
Chloe cranes her neck to see around the MAN.
CHLOE: Those are my Tater Mitts…. and my Strap Perfect bra converters.
MAN: I call my attorney.
CHLOE: Call this buddy!
Chloe shoves the door open and the MAN stumbles back.
The MAN sees she means business and scrambles to collect all the products that are scattered everywhere.
Chloe points at a small box buried under some bubble wrap.
CHLOE: And don’t forget that. Those are my Smooth Away Hair Removal Pads. I haven’t shaved my legs in 10 days and I’m getting extremely cranky. Just get everything and there won’t be any trouble.
The MAN shoves the box at Chloe and she stomps away.
TWO DAYS LATER:
Chloe gets a text from an unknown, but local, phone number.
TEXT: You are cute girl. Maybe should we meet.