Justified Paranoia

Okay…. I’m getting sick and bloody tired of catchy sayings. 


It started with bumper stickers and personalized license plates, then expanded into web-sites where you can focus your research to sayings within the context of specific categories like trust or men or dogs.  I’m not knocking this, you understand, I use the web-site method a lot as fodder for ridicule of this uniquely American pastime (although I doubt this is the intended use by those who created them).  I’m still convinced that there’s a think tank somewhere in Akron or Dubuque that turns them out but no one wants to ‘fess up.  It’s probably a government sponsored program in line to get a hunk of that 700 gazillion dollar bailout that is rapidly becoming old news. I mean, if wooden arrows can get some of the action, why not The Catchy Sayings Institute, right?


I used to get a chuckle out of bumper stickers that used DOG as a replacement for the word GOD; like Dog Is My Co-Pilot.  Or the joke that asked:  Did you hear the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?  He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.  (You have to be tailgating to read that one). These were funny the first 250 times I read them but the honeymoon is over and I find myself longing for the simpler days of Free Tibet.  


And it gets worse.


Last week I discovered a brand-spankin’ new store dedicated entirely to catchy sayings painted on planks of wood suitable for hanging in your rumpus room.  It’s next to my favorite breakfast place so I’m forced to walk by it every Sunday morning.  My pancakes now come with the bitter aftertaste of resentment.  Damn!  Can’t a girl just have a freakin’ carbohydrate patty without having to read A Moment On The Lips Means a Lifetime On The Hips written in fancy calligraphy on a recycled cabinet door?  Or how about this, my personal favorite:  If It Has Tires or Testicles, It Will Cause You Trouble.  Personally, I think it’s blatantly unfair to put every man’s balls in the same category but that’s just me.  As for tires, I suppose this is a reference to a car but I have an Audi and it’s made by Germans and we all know that Germans are master craftsmen which makes this catchy sayings plank complete bullshit. 


But my aggression is subterfuge.    


Because I am scared shitless!


I think I’m being indoctrinated into some sort of catchy sayings cult without my consent.  My thinking has been altered in a subtle but profound way.   


Am I unnecessarily paranoid?  I think not.


Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker on one of those funky looking green Honda vans.  It said:  Beware Of Dog.


I asked myself; do they really mean Beware of God?


I am so screwed.

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November 21, 2008 5:06 pm

The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
Don’t drown the man who taught you to swim.