“You Might Get…Hairy”

A few years back, I travelled to Korea often on business. I started noticing that women there “of a certain age” seemed to all adopt the same look.  It was like every woman who was about the age I am now had the same curly-permed haircut and wore a blue windbreaker.   I didn’t give it much thought…until now.

First of all, I’m not terribly distressed over my age because I don’t feel like I’m as old as I am. BUT…my world is changing in subtle ways that I find fascinating.

Forgive me. That was a lie.  What I really mean is, it’s fucking irritating as hell!

For example, my doctor really, really wants me to have a colonoscopy all of a sudden. “Happy Birthday! We have a teenie, tiny, little camera with your name on it ready to be shoved up your bum along with the 400 other middle-aged folks we’ve got scheduled on the same day. Who knows? You may be the lucky winner of the Colon  ‘Sweep’stakes where we’ll feature your colonoscopy LIVE on YouTube!”

With all due respect to the Colon Paparazzi…..Please stop talking. I have bigger fish to fry.

Hormones…..An important component of my Avoid The Blue Windbreaker campaign.

HORMONE DOCTOR

Got your tests back. Good news! You’re not menopausal!

ME

Oh. I guess I’ll have to be nicer, then. I thought there was a medical explanation.

HORMONE DOCTOR

You’re a bit low on HormoneX, though. 

ME

Is that the one that dictates…temper?

HORMONE DOCTOR

Not exactly but I want to start you on a replacement regime just to be safe.

ME

You mean, my safety or the safety of others?

HORMONE DOCTOR

There are potential side-effects.

ME

Like stomach upset, dizziness, loss of appetite, high blood pressure, thoughts of suicide, risk of blindness, speech disorders, kidney failure, liver damage stroke, death?  You know, the usual stuff?

HORMONE DOCTOR

Hair. Four percent of women get hairy.

ME

I have a really good waxer. 

HORMONE DOCTOR

You may experience increased aggression.

ME

If I were any more aggressive, I’d be considered a virus. 

HORMONE DOCTOR

Easy peasy. We can fix that with other pills. 

Coming Soon:  Bone Density and Mood Swings: Are Happy California Cows The Answer?

 

 

 

 

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