Borrowed Saints

st-joseph-iconThis is St. Joseph. I know this because my Catholic friends told me so.  They think I’m a pagan but in fact, I was raised Baptist.  To them, this is the same thing but opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one. I was going to say that opinions are like assholes but thought that might be offensive.

In this version of St. Joseph, he seems to be holding an adult version of Jesus rather than an infant version. I find this creepy and strange but also a bit fascinating. As if the artist hadn’t quite mastered the skill of scale.  I’ve noticed this happens a lot in religious art both old and new which is probably why I don’t have any.  You’ll see what I mean about the “now” versions a bit later.

In my religious world, that is, one that doesn’t really have saints, per se, St. Joseph would just simple be known as Joseph the carpenter, or the quasi-father of Jesus or what we might today call the not-really-baby-daddy.  He seemed to be fine with the notion of his wife giving birth through some kind of immaculate conception.  I have to hand it to Joe. He was a pretty progressive dude and clearly not a jealous guy.  Then again, how can you argue with the deity that you’ve been told created the world as you know it and came up with the macabre notion of drowning all humanity by flooding the earth?  Clever, yes. But drowning everybody?? It’s just all so, so…..biblical.

When I was recently selling a house that wasn’t moving as quickly as I’d like, a dear friend told me about burying St. Joseph upside down in the yard and praying for a sale.  After all, he’s the patron saint of homes.  Makes sense because he was a carpenter.

ME:

Will it work if I’m not a Catholic?  I mean, aren’t there rules and regulations

FRIEND:

God is God, right? You ask St. Joseph to intervene on your behalf and The Big Man listens. He listens to everybody. Even a pagan.

ME:

Baptist.

FRIEND:

Any religion that shuns drinking, smoking and everything that represents good wholesome fun is a pagan in my book.

ME:

Good point but I’m still skeptical.

FRIEND:

Trust me. Just read the instructions, bury him and say the prayer every day.

And so I borrowed her St. Joseph’s Catholic Home-Selling Kit and got to buryin’ just like the instructions told me to do.  I said the prayer…or, more like recited it which felt a little inauthentic and robotic and lo’ and behold it worked!

Thank you Catholic friend!  And thank you St. Joseph!  I’m one satisfied customer!

Here’s an example of the kit. You can get it on-line or anyplace dogma is sold and promoted.  This one looks a little like something those South Park guys may have come up with. He’s called the patron saint of “real estate” on this one and holding what appears to be a scythe.  Bit of a bastardization if you ask me, but what do I know? I’m just a pagan. Give it a try! They’re made in China.

St.-Joseph-Statue

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